Inside the actors Studio with the cast of FF8
by Big Papa Smurf
Summary: James Lipton interviews the cast of FF8. Chapter 5 up REVIEW OR I EAT THE HAM!
1. Chapter1: Squall

Obligatory crap about me owning nothing  
  
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I OWN NUTTING, NOT EVEN THIS ACCENT  
  
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Chapter one, What a jackass  
  
James Lipton(with blank stare on his face): Every so often, a game comes out that changes the genre of its  
  
type, FOREVER! If you want to get that game, get Final Fantasy VIII, the best game EVER! We have here  
  
today, mister Squall Lionheart, the star of that game. Mister Lionheart, it is a pleasure to have you here  
  
Squall: ...Whatever  
  
James: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha(blank stare) you are uproarious!  
  
Squall: ...Whatever, just give me the money your secretary promised  
  
James: What secretary?  
  
Squall: Sorry, it must have been an acid flashback.  
  
James: Anyway it is time for the dreaded questions of Monsieur Le Blanc de bloom un pa we y un choco de  
  
da wa un lamme un de cha.  
  
Squall:(sweatdrops) what?  
  
James: First, what is your favorite curse word  
  
Squall: hmm, Rinoa  
  
James: that is not a curse word  
  
Squall: yes it is, you haven't lived with her.  
  
James:(quietly)thats what you think  
  
Squall: WHAT!!!  
  
James: nothing, now...  
  
Squall: No, what did you say!!!  
  
James: you are uproarious hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha(stares blankly)  
  
Squall: ...The hell?  
  
Zell(at Balamb): Dammit, he stole my line! Wait, where are my underpants? ...The hell?  
  
James: (still staring blankly) what would you like to hear upon reaching heaven?  
  
Squall: Well, I'd like to hear, "Squall, it looks like you're going to hell because you murdered James Lipton  
  
after raping and killing his wife, his dog, his kids, his hairdresser, the audience, some french guy named  
  
Pierre that never knew him, and Seifer.  
  
James: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, you are uproarious!  
  
Squall: That's it, (Squall rapes and kills James Lipton's wife, his dog, his hairdresser, the audience, some French guy named Pierre that never knew him, and Seifer.  
  
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So what did you think, be nice it's my first fic. 


	2. Chapter2: Zell

Disclaimer: I own nothing except my Playstation (I accept donations for a PS2), a CD of FF8, a 2 month old sausage, and the Mage Knight figure Arcane Draconum (HA!)  
  
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Part 2, Untitled  
  
James Lipton: Hello, I am somehow still alive from order of a higher power  
  
Author:(pops head in) Damn straight! I'm your gawd, DANCE FOR ME!  
  
(James does an erotic gypsy dance)  
  
Author: Now, I'm going to go vomit, resume with the story.  
  
(Author leaves)  
  
James: Anyway, I was stiched together by our almight gawd (salivates) but my wife, kids, dog, hairdresser, audience, Pierre, and Seifer still are emotionally scarred, except for my dog, but none of them can sit down or walk normally. Anyway, that is whgy I'm standing, today we have Squall's "normal" "friend" Zell Dincht.  
  
Zell: Hi, it sure feels good to sit down, yessir, my ass is happy. Hey, how do you crap? Do you have to stand up?  
  
James: I would like to get to asking you questions!  
  
Zell: Fine  
  
James: If you would spank one member of the Final Fantasy 8 team, who would it be?  
  
Zell: Hmm, Seifer is tempting, so is Selphie, and lets not forget Tom.  
  
James: You mean my almighty gawd?  
  
(erotic dance)  
  
Zell: ...The hell?  
  
James: I wish to appease you master!  
  
Author: Cast Spell: Feeblemind Target: James Lipton 1  
  
James: duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
  
Zell: Anyway, I would like to spank Angelo more than any other member of the FF8 team  
  
Spell: Feeblemind; Disabled by disgustion  
  
James: What is your favorite food?  
  
Zell: ??? did you even play the game?  
  
James: Of course, you were the one that sent everyone back in time  
  
Zell: ???  
  
Author: Okay, James needs to go to rehab so I'll get someone to take over.  
  
James: (feeblemind still in effect apparently) fubnagoobcheesers  
  
Author: How about, Seifer?  
  
Zell: NOOOOOOOO NOT HIM, ANYONE ELSE  
  
Author: okay, Rinoa?  
  
Zell: O.o (whispering) seifer  
  
Seifer: Hey Chicken-wuss, wassup  
  
Zell: Shut up lap dog  
  
Seifer: Shut up, lets just get it on  
  
Zell: O.o  
  
Seifer: NO, THE QUESTIONS YOU FREAK!!!  
  
Zell: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
  
Seifer: What is your favorite sound?  
  
Zell: The sound of the life being squeezed out of someone's chest and HiS sOuL bEiNg DeVoUrEd By ThE dArK lOrD hAsTuR!  
  
Seifer: ...  
  
Zell: That and applause  
  
(audience applauds)  
  
Seifer: What would you like to hear when you go to heaven  
  
Zell: FREE HOT DOGS!!!  
  
Seifer: (talking to someone off screen) do I have to, oh gawd  
  
Author: yes???  
  
Seifer: You are delightful Mwahaahaahaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  
  
Zell: O.o  
  
Author: less evil next time  
  
Seifer: THERE'S A NEXT TIME!!! Screw this!!! Screw you guys, I'm going home (spontaneously combusts)  
  
Author: well, I didn't expect it but it worked for me.  
  
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Review please  
  
Sorry if you read a mistake I put down here before 


	3. Chapter3: Selphie

Disclaimer: I own nothing except 6004 Mexican whooping llamas  
  
Chapter 3: Selphie  
  
  
  
Lipton: After being blown apart, raped, stupefied, and otherwise blown out or existence by the Author and Squall. I have decided to stick to my lines  
  
Writer: (whispering) that wasn't in the script  
  
Lipton: oh crap (explodes)  
  
The next day  
  
Lipton: Every so often … a crack fiend so huggable comes along … that she makes us want to vomit, or spend an hour in the tool shed with her.  
  
Bill Clinton (at his house): NAMES! I NEED NAMES!  
  
Lipton: Tonight, we have one of them, the quasi-satanist, Selphie I-forgot- her-last-name.  
  
Selphie: (twitching uncontrollably): Hi-it's-nice-to-be-here-I-was-on-TV- once-and-Zell-almost-killed-us-all-because-he's-stupid-and-dumb-and-I-like- kittens!  
  
Lipton: …?  
  
Selphie: lets-get-the-questions-I-want-to-let's-go-let's-go-let's-go-let's- go!  
  
Lipton: Where is your stash?  
  
Selphie: I'll-never-tell-never-never-never-never! ……Under-my- floorboards…..Crap!  
  
Cid (at Garden): Hahahahaha! Finally, my wait is over!!! Lets go Xu, bring your pipe!  
  
Selphie: Oh-no-Oh-no-Oh-no-Oh-no! What-if-someone-knows? WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!  
  
Lipton: Don't worry, no one saw. (to off screen) Was that in the script!?  
  
(Cid and Xu are shown passed out, Xu undressed, lava lamps and Jimi Hendrix music present, bongs, crackpipes, and dried blood around Cid's nose complete the scene)  
  
Lipton: What is your favorite sound?  
  
Selphie: The-sound-of-my-Irvy's-fly-being-unzipped-I-love-you-Irvy!  
  
Lipton: That is disgusting. What would you like to hear upon reaching heaven  
  
Selphie: KITTENS!  
  
Lipton: ???  
  
Author (off screen): Go with it  
  
Lipton: Um, er,uh,well  
  
(Author is readying spell of gory death)  
  
Lipton: Um, What-kind-of-kittens!  
  
Selphie: Kittens!  
  
Lipton: Um, (to author) What else is in the script  
  
Author: Nothing, I never watched your show, just the SNL version of it.  
  
Lipton: Um, lets take questions from the audience  
  
Audience member #1: Yeah, uh, Selphie, do you have a personal life  
  
Selphie: Kittens!  
  
#1: ???  
  
Selphie: Ooh, I need a fix (snorts a few ounces of coke) Tastes like burning!  
  
Audience Member #2: Why the hell do you want Irvine? Rinoa is so much hotter!  
  
Selphie: Rinoa? Dammit, I know that's you! I told you, I don't like you that way!  
  
#2 (Rinoa): C'mon, everyone does it at Balamb Garden!  
  
Selphie: Oh, okay then (goes backstage with Rinoa where I set up a camera)  
  
Selphie: OH YES! YES! YES!  
  
Lipton: This is delightful hahahahahahahahahaha! Please don't kill me, it was in the script.  
  
Selphie: Wait Rinoa, was that always there? Oh Hyne, what have I done  
  
Rinoa: Well, I was insecure that I could never get Squall so I started changing my views and you know the rest.  
  
Audience: JERRY JERRY JERRY!!!  
  
Author: Okay, this has gotten me to vomit and that is when it is time to end the fic.  
  
  
  
So what did you think? Please don't flame me, I don't not like Rinoa, I just like to make fun of her. 


	4. Chapter4: Rinoa

Disclaimer: I own nothing except a Turkey Pot Pie, this CPU that isn't Y1K compatable, and Alexandre Anderson's immortal soul  
  
Chapter4: Rinoa  
  
Lipton: After profusely jacking off backstage, we got the She-male Rinoa Heartilly to interview.  
  
Rinoa: Thank you for having me (shifts legs giving a clear view of her panties)  
  
Lipton: Err, is there supposed to be a bulge there?  
  
Rinoa: Do you want a bulge?  
  
Lipton: NO  
  
Author: NO  
  
Audience: NO (a few say yes)  
  
Rinoa: Well, that's just you (sticks tongue out)  
  
Author: No, that's everyone on the face of the planet except 5 audience members, Selphie, and Seifer  
  
Seifer (somewhere else): DAMN! How did he find out?  
  
Author: I'm the gawd of this story, watch!  
  
(a 6-foot tall squirrel starts pelting Seifer with acorns)  
  
Seifer: …The hell?  
  
Zell (running on screen): Dammit, stop stealing my line!!!  
  
(Zell and Seifer fight while the 6-foot squirrel gets bored and walks away)  
  
Author: Okay, back to the story.  
  
Lipton: …6-foot squirrel? (author starts getting angry) …um, back to the interview  
  
Lipton: um, do you pad your bra?  
  
Rinoa: Of course not, I'm so small that it's impossible that I pad.  
  
Lipton: Not really.  
  
Rinoa: Oh, you're so sweet (bats eyebrows, lump still visible)  
  
Lipton: umm, errr, You are delightful Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
Rinoa: …The hell?  
  
Zell (still fighting Seifer): I heard that! After I'm done with Seifer you're next  
  
(Seifer's clothes are ripped off, Zell is blushing. The 6-foot squirrel can be seen in the background taking a shot at a bar that magically appeared)  
  
Author: I really have to stop giving my creations alcoholism …and crack addiction  
  
6-foot squirrel: Hey, I'm not addicted to crack! (talks to someone off screen) Hey Selphie, what's up!  
  
Author: You will be, soon  
  
Lipton: …right. Rinoa, what would you like to hear upon going to heaven?  
  
Rinoa: C'mon in, we have James Lipton, Seifer, and a lot of lubrication.  
  
Lipton: I'll be running for my life, I'll leave you with questions from the audience.  
  
Rinoa: Oh, no you won't you sweet-assed-strange-freak-of-nature!  
  
Author: Um, I'll be vomiting so it's time to end this chapter.  
  
  
  
So, what did you think? I'll be using Quistis next, unless you want me to do someone else. Also, this Fanfic has been brought to you by the Give-all- your-money-to-your-local-Thomas foundation. So, I need donations to pay off my Ebay Debts. That's right Ebay, the place where people buy things on impulse, around the globe. 


	5. Chapter5: Quisty, the whore

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the blood of a wee Irishman don't ya know  
  
Author: After continually vomiting, my doctor (who I created and is an alcoholic and a crack addict) said that I'm getting ulcers and only end it when James Lipton explodes  
  
Lipton: ::gulp:: by you or by other forces?  
  
Author: It depends on what mood I'm in.  
  
Lipton: O.o  
  
  
  
Lipton: Today we have the sex goddess who forces students from the garden to be brutally beaten blah blah blah, and lo she is thew one we call Virginia Slims blah blah blah and so we worship the lovely Quistis  
  
Quisits: Thanx, I wrote that.  
  
Lipton: I can tell.  
  
Quistis: Thank you you're so sweet!  
  
Lipton: That's what all the pretty girls say. Then they turn out to be She- males or Lesbians.  
  
Rinoa: Hey! I know you're talking about me!  
  
Lipton: Oh, shit, HELP ME AUTHOR!  
  
Author: sigh, do I have to do everything?  
  
(Author summons 6-foot tall squirrel to stop Rinoa)  
  
Lipton: What is it with you and squirrels?  
  
Author: I would blow you up but the fic isn't over yet.  
  
Lipton: O.o  
  
Author: Gawd, I love that expression!  
  
Lipton: Anyway, why the hell do you use that whip?  
  
Quistis: Isn't it obvious ;)  
  
Lipton: help me!  
  
(scene change: Nida is in Quistis' "Workshop/Schoolclass/Fire Cavern")  
  
Nida: YOU WANT HELP!?! I've been here for 6 weeks! I'm so hungry.  
  
Xu (in dominatrix uniform): That's what you get for not submitting your eternal soul to Orcus, Shinigami or Quistis.  
  
Nida: NEVER! My soul belongs to Fujin! I LOVE YOU FUJ!  
  
Fujin: RAGE!  
  
Lipton: right, that's just super. Anyway, Quistis, this is from Treppie #668. "Dear Quistis, FU*K ME!!!"  
  
Quistis: Ohhhhh, that's so sweet! But you know that first you must survive "The Chamber"  
  
Lipton: You mean the porno alley?  
  
Quistis: Or that, I don't really care. But I told you, my breasts and other sexual organs belong to writers like Big Papa Smurf (drools)  
  
Author: Heh, it's good to be me!  
  
Quistis: and to the following, Treppies #1-667, Treppies #668-9999999, Seifer, Selphie, Rinoa, Andrew McMenemy (drool), Richard Garfield, Bill Clinton  
  
Clinton: YES! I told you Staar! Pay up!  
  
Ken Staar: Damn, he's on everyone's list!  
  
Quistis: Asyria's Blue Crowbar of Death, Tifa, Irvine, Aerie's Corpse, Brad Pitt.  
  
(2 hours later)  
  
Quistis: Homer Simpson, Elijah Wood, Ian Mcmellen (sorry, can't spell), and the 6007 orcs in Lord of the Rings.  
  
Zell: and yet I'm not on the list  
  
Pig-tailed girl: But I am : p  
  
Author: So, what are you doing after the fic?  
  
Quistis: Oh, just go to my room, undress, take a shower, wear exciting undergarments  
  
Lipton: WHO DOESN'T!  
  
Author: (slaps Lipton) quiet you! Anyway, do you want to go shag at my place  
  
Austin Powers: Oh behave!  
  
(everyone looks puzzled)  
  
Author: I know I shouldn't have eaten that 2-month-old sausage!  
  
Lipton: I want chicken, I want liver, meow mix, meox mix please deliver!  
  
Author: Ahh! It's my acid flashback  
  
Jar-Jar Binks: (in scholarly voice) I mean really George, do you want me to say OOH, MEESA JARJAR BINKS AND MEESA SOOOOOO HUNGRY! I mean really, I played Othello at Cambridge.  
  
Author: This fic must end! Oh right.  
  
(James Lipton explodes)  
  
  
  
Damn, that was some funky sausage. Anyway, I need more reviews to feed Cthulu! If I don't get 15 reviews, I eat the 3-month old Ham sandwich! 


	6. Author's Note

Author's Note  
  
Hi, this note is to inform you that I will be going on a long hiatus (or however it's spelt). This is due to me being a manic-deprssive. For those of you who don't know what a manic-depressive is, it is a mental disease where the victim has violent mood swings and is forced to lie quietly and think for a few hours. I am currently going through a fit of episodes and this is due to dangerously low self-esteem. Anyway, review if you want to, I'll be playing Baldur's Gate 2 (which I don't own, I'm not sure if I need a disclaimer but I'll do it anyway).  
  
-Tom 


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